BEAR NECESSITIES AND OTHER CUBS...
Thursday, December 25, 2003
TODAY'S THEME IS...
IS SANTA A BEAR???
This is something that many of have been wondering for quite some time - he of course looks like a bear - a Daddy Bear or Polar Bear at that... But of course that all depends whether we believe the pictures we see - it's a bit like pictures of Jesus or God - they're just somebody's own imagination...
Down in Belgravia by the Deluxe Food Hall yesterday I saw *my* idea of Santa... Six foot something - sexy goatee - stripped to the waist and showing off a mane of thick dark chest hair. He was wearing the usual Santa gear other than that - red trousers and top - but quite loosely! (He must have been feeling the cold...) What's more he was wearing a placard around his neck with my name on it - that's if my name had been Noel...
Anyway - I took him home...
So is Santa a bear? Hey - give me a minute - I've not unwrapped him yet...
I'll get back to you - sometime... Gimme til New Year...
Hope you find YOUR idea of Santa really soon...
Shy xxxxxxxxx
COMING SOON - IS SHAVING FUR EVER FORGIVEABLE>>>>>>>
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Friday, December 12, 2003
TODAY WE RETURN TO THE TRICKY SITUATION OF ...
BEARCUBS WHO WANT TO BE KYLIE…
PART TWO
In which the Spice Bears decide whether or NOT to go to the ball…
I can tell you… Those 15 minutes before the Bear guys arrived was one of much panic… In the build up to writing this column I’d talked Kylie with them all and they all had their definite opinions about Bears or Cubs who either adored or wanted to BE Kylie...
"Many do want to be Kylie, but I don't buy it..." Jimmy Bear had said, "Bears in shiny hot pants don't look good - they have asses designed for sexy denim jeans or something, but in gold lame hotpants they look ridiculous. This is one thing twinks can do better than bears - we should impersonate people who deserve it AND are closer to our size, say Mama Cass or someone..."
It was certainly an idea - and I for one am certainly all for anything that celebrates the wonderful Mamas and Papas... (I only WISH I'd thought of being Mama Cass when I did the sponsored walk thing the other year - it would have been so much easier than trying to slim down to a Kim Wilde...)
Womble Cub (a.k.a. God Furring Bear) had his own opinions...
"Cubs and Bears should always have sturdy legs which are manly and hairy..." he had declared to me, "...not entirely Kylie's look - so it might be a tricky one to pull off..." he then added, "You could shave i suppose - but that would upset the Great Bear of Olympus - and also your Bear and Cub friends who might not want to give you such lovely cuddles anymore..."
It's a possibility I'll grant you - as for the Great Bear of Olympus - I'm really not sure of his opinion on body shaving - however that is an entirely different topic and one I'd like to return to in a week or so.
I will add, however, that I do know that Womble has been shaving patches of fluff off his arm - and that this is because he has just got the most gorgeous Tattoo you ever did see. It was specially designed for him and looks like an old fashioned ship with sails and everything. It has many beautiful colours and if you look close enough you can see a small Cub popping his head over the Crow's nest... I have reassured him that shaving his upper arm is fine for tattoo purposes! (as long as he doesn't do a Robbie Williams and get so many that there is no room left for hardly any body fur...) Womble's tattoo is very lovely - and after all a ship covered in fluff would definitely distract from its niceness...
Britpop Cub was as hardline about the whole Kylie thing as I expected him to be...
"Bears who dress up like kylie should be shot..." he began, "Unless its you..." he added, "Cos I think you do in your most private moments. Drag is only good when it's convincing..."
Is he saying that I wasn't convincing... Not as Kylie, mind - but as Kim Wilde... Well - I'll give him that - but that's what makes it all the more funny... All those Carry On Films with Bernard Bresslaw trying to pass himself off a lady - I'm sorry - he tried so hard and yet... Well - I laughed anyway...
"Disco princess bears are the biggest turn off..." BP added. "Now indie beer bears are an entirely different matter..."
But surely it's all just a matter of taste...
Even Redbeard found seeing bears plodding around the dancefloor thinking they were the next Sophie Ellis Bextor just slightly worth the entrance fee to a club... I have to say - it's worth a giggle...
So we’d talked Kylie and the whole dressing up thing… Some of us would - some of us wouldn't... Some liked the songs - some would only go near them if brandishing a chain saw... They were accepting, if not embracing… But this was all before the night we went to the Fancy Dress Party… Everyone had made their views very clear – we either liked her or we didn’t – we respected others wishes to act like her – but basically that wasn’t for us… But here I was - having to tell the boys that the wrong costumes had turned up and that the only way we could go was if we dressed up - not as Kylie - but as the Spice Girls...
“They’re not even bloody popular any more!!! I thought we were going to be the Beatles…”
"Can't I just pretend I'm Beyonce or Holly Valance or something..."
"Or J Lo..."
"Bagsy me be J Lo... Ben Affleck MUST be mine!"
"I'd have gone as Debby Harry - but only Blondie - 70s style..."
“Well I'm not doing it and I AM CERTAINLY NOT being Geri…”
"I will..."
They had been bickering for some minutes... I looked up from behind the sofa where I had been hiding...
Redbeard had spoken, "I'll be Geri... I don't mind..."
"Well I'll be Scary..." I volunteered - trying on the wig for size.
"Well - I'm going to be Posh..." sighed Jimmy.
Womble and Britpop Cubs were already arguing over which one of them would be Baby... In the end it was BP and Womble got to be sporty... Quite apt as he is quite exciteable.
So we went - and we had a fantastic time...
The last I saw of BP and Womble they were riding the glitter ball - whilst Jimmy was found donning a Beer Inspectors costume over his Spice costume - busily calling an unexpected inspection of the cellars... Redbeard was mistaken for Geri by someone who used to go out with her and as for me - well - let's just say I will never be able to eat Sausages again without thinking of a young man named William...
I know I drunk a lot that night and I know my Scary Spice fright wig kept slipping over my eyes - but I'm certain I saw Kylie - or a vision of her - there on the stage and I swear I heard her call out...
"Keep Dancing Bears..." said Kylie, "I'm just glad you didn't dress up as me..."
As I say - I may have been drunk - but I'm not the only person who claimed to see her that night. TEPID magazine reported that she was at a Premier in Scunthorpe - but I'm certain she was there at the Fancy Dress Ball egging us on...
Dancing Bears - Young And Sweet - Only 17 (and a bit...)
NEXT WEEK ON BEARCUB WE LOOK AT STALKERS AND BODY FUR - IS IT EVER ACCEPTABLE TO REMOVE IT???
Monday, December 08, 2003
* DUE TO UNFORESEEN LAZINESS - BEARCUB WILL ONLY POST ONCE THIS WEEK... *
FRIDAY: BEARCUBS WHO WANT TO BE KYLIE PT 2
NEXT WEEKS FIRST THEME WILL BE: ARE STALKERS THIS YEARS MUST HAVE FOR EVERY LONDON CHUB?
SHY HAS INFACT BEEN CALLED AWAY TO INTERVIEW SIMON YETI THIS WEEK AT www.worldofyeti.blogspot.com AS WELL AS RELEASING HIS LATEST BOOK OF POEMS: THE AUTUMNAL E.P. - AS WELL AS WRITING A NEW DITTY WHICH CAN BE READ ON www.thedaffypoet.blogspot.com
Friday, December 05, 2003
TODAY WE TAKE ON A NEW TOPIC AND CONSIDER THE THEME...
BEARCUBS WHO WANT TO BE KYLIE
PART ONE
In which Pop Princess Furballs are considered in great detail...
Kylie ey...
Bearcubs who want to be her - dance like her - dress like her...
Should it be allowed?
The first thing I CAN say is that there is no law to stop one doing anything of a Kylie nature - unless Kylie herself stamps her foot and says, NO! NO! NO! and then we all must obey (obviously! Even the weather like stops raining just to please her if she ever has a day off and wants of picnic or something... If the weather falls into line then we certainly should! Anyway - so it's not so much about *allowing* bearcubs to do the whole Kylie dancey - dancetastic thing, so much as *Should* they... Is it becoming!?!
Now personally I'm a bearcub who worships at the platform heels of our Lady Kylie - but having said that I'm not a
TOTAL disco princess by any means!! My music tastes are quite wide... Redbeard and I discussed this sort of thing and seemed to have a similar take on it... We can quite happily listen to Kylie one minute and then something heavier the next... It's all music isn't it, afterall...
We're going to a party tonight some of us, sadly JT Cub can't make it and I was asking him what *he* thought about the whole Kylie thing...
"I don't see why a Bear shouldn't be a big Kylie fan..." he told me, "...If he wants to look sexy and wants to follow her fashions and wear her line of pants and stuff - then good on him... Though personally I don't really agree with the whole hot pants thing myself..."
Despite it giving the other Bear boys a bit of a revealing thrill...
"Exactly because of that... I'm a married Cub... I won't be showing my bum to just any bear..."
Which is exactly - or pretty much what Kylie, herself has been saying of late...
Is he a fan? I asked him...
"Not really... Being a alternative/indie/rock kinda guy it isn't for me - rather like the dressing up actually... Still, her Nick Cave collaborations prove that there's certainly more to her than just Pop - even if it doesnt always equate to high chart positions... Nick Cave rocks - she made a good choice with that single... My favourite Kylie single is Did It Again - it's the only one I've bought..."
Aha... Indie Kylie... More on her in a bit...
SO - Bears doing their thing to Kylie...
Well the way I look at it is why not... I know the twinks HATE is when us great big woofy shambling bearcubs invade the dancefloor at G.A.Y. but face it - we're furrier than you and really - which one of you is going to pick a fight with a 50 year old, 20 stone plus, Kylie dressed Daddy bear is slingbacks? Huh? Which one of you? Live and let live...
Now... Have I ever dressed as Kylie I suppose you'll be wanting to know!!!
Well - not as Kylie - only EVER as Kim Wilde...
You think I jest??? It was back in '99... I was asked to take part in a major sponsored walk for Bears with furloss - and I did - and we walked over 100km over the Black Mountains from Chepstow up through Hay On Wye and beyond... (An area known as Offas Dyke Path... Which isn't me being rude either...) So - we did this walk and - well - we all did it in drag and I did it dressed as Kim Wilde...
There's a lot more to be said about this matter - and I want to talk about our Beary experiences on the Walk For Life walks too - so I think I'll save this whole walking theme for a later date...
Anyway... As far as I'm concerned I couldn't have completed that walk if it hadn't have been for all the bouncy pop I listened too on my walkman... Thank god for Kylie, Britney, Madonna and all of them - cos quite frankly I love Radiohead and Morrissey - but that isn't the kind of music to spur you onwards when you're hiking... Where as Baby, One More Time (as opposed to Bee/Bear, One More Time - the poignant story of a Bear/Bee hybrid...) just gets me bouncing down those country lanes...
So am I some kind of Disco Princess Bear? Not totally though... But I am very keen on both Kylie and Holly Valance's new albums at the moment - whereas the new Blur album (I'm a big Blur fan) bored me stupid by being all mature and dull and tuneless. I suppose it the very word POP - it just remind me of jelly and party hats and cakes... It's just the kind of word association that brings out big grinz on this Bear's face...
So... Where was I? Did I ever give my answer?? Would I ever dress as Kylie? Hell... I dressed as Kim Wilde for charity - I suppose I *would* but it's not top on my list of things to do... I remember a couple of guys on the walk doing the whole Kylie thing - and this was probably just prior to her reinvention - this was during the so-called (though I'm not convinced) Indie Kylie stage... (A couple of songs written by the Manic Street Preachers and suddenly she's gone Indie... Errr - right... Hardly the Pixies though, was it... It was just darn good pop is what I thought... But there you go - the popular press needs it's labels...) If I was to dress up as Kylie - I'd probably go for the Bridget Bardo; Shocked, Step Back In Time, What Do I Have To Do, Better The Devil You Know phase cos she was pretty cool at that point too. I don't think I could do Disco-bum Kylie and I although my furriness might be more akin to I Could Be So Lucky Bubble Perm Kylie - it's not something I would encourage. Hand On Your Heart still makes me wanna dance though - but she'd almost lost the perm by that point anyway...
Shit - I'm a bloody anorak - aren't I... I don't know where I this all from - I swear I don't... I'm sorry though - I like prolific pop - I like an album every 18 months - AT LEAST SHE STILL RELEASES ALBUMS UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE... KATE BUSH!!!!!!!!
Ahem. Sorry. Outburst there. Apologies.
Where was I...
Oh yes...
We're going to a Party this weekend - five of us - me, Jimmy, Redbeard, Womble and Britpop Cub - an early Christmas Party for the F.U.R. charity (Furry Ursine Reprobates) ...
It's fancy dress with a Music Theme and quite excitedly I told everyone I would sort out the costumes...
Well I did... But they haven't quite turned up as I expected them too...
How am I going to break this to them...
The costumes I *had* arranged - quite butch ones - we were going as The Beatles - early era - nice suits all five of us... (one of us was going to have to be Pete Best or that dead, arty one Stewart thingy - but we'd have managed...)
But now...
Well - we're not...
The costumes have been double booked - these are the only ones they had left... The boys arrive in 15 minutes!!! There's no way we can get something else - we're going to have to go in the clothes that turned up for us... Five Bear boys all dressed up for the party...
...As the Spice Girls...
TO FIND OUT HOW SHY AND THE BOYS COPE AT THE F.U.R. XMAS PARTY TUNE IN ON MONDAY...
HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND!!!!!
Next Weeks Themes Will Be:
Monday: Bearcubs Who Wanna Be Kylie… Part 2
Tuesday: Shaving Fur – Is It Ever Acceptable? Part 1
Wednesday: Shaving Fur – Is It Ever Acceptable? Part 2
Thursday: Are Stalkers This Years Must Have For Every London Chub?
Friday: Why Do Bears Woof – Yet Also Purr? Part 1…
Thursday, December 04, 2003
TODAY WE TAKE ON A NEW TOPIC - TODAY WE CONSIDER THE THEME...
WHAT TO DO WITH GROWLY BEARS WHO DON'T LIKE HUGGLES? (WHEN EVEN PIES WON'T WORK!!!)
“I can tell a true BEAR with my eyes closed. One hug is all it takes. The hug of a BEAR is strong and sincere, warm and loving. You can always tell."
The Great Bear of Olympus.
The Net is a peculiar place... It's a melting pot full of all sorts of people - you just never know *WHO* you're going to meet... Mostly everyone is very nice - most of the Bears and the Cubs I've met are really *really* lovely... But sometimes - just sometimes you meet a Growly Bear - one who can't be placated with pies... And when that happens - if it does to you - if you're that unfortunate - well - *exactly* what are you supposed to do about it...
I mention the Net because it relates to a particular predicament of mine that occurred just a month or so back... But I must first mention my first encounter with a Growly Bear - because I was laughing about this to JT Cub the other day and - well - it's relevant to the whole theme really...
My anecdote goes back a few years now - to my mid-20s - before I really knew much about Bears and Cubs and although, looking back, I was definitely very Cub-looking (I had the goatee and the furryness and all...) I never realised at the time...
Anyway - there I was - one night in the late 90s - reluctantly investigating the scene in Guildford - near to where I live... I’d been there well over an hour – skulking away in the corner and counting the minutes to my last train… It was a busy night but everybody seemed to know each other and nobody was talking to me… There were people there I fancied (BIGTIME) but I never said a word – staring in my pint or at a much-flicked through copy of Boyz… Pretending I wasn’t there… Hey! I’m not fishing for sympathy here – I know I could have tried to talk to them – but I didn’t – I still don’t – but at least now I know more people and am a little more confident… But not back then – five years ago in Guildford…
It was with a grateful heart that I welcomed the news that there was only another 20 minutes til my train and pretty soon I’d be having to make a move when…
“Hello… Not seen you here before – you look nice…”
Suddenly – for the first time all evening I was getting the growly come on… Before me stood not one, but two strapping lads in bike leathers – eyeing me up and down as if they had just been served a steak…
“You look very nice…” said the other biker, “Wanna ride home with us?”
“Errrr… Possibly… Not…” I mumbled – downing my pint.
“Oh come on… It’d be fun… You’d enjoy it…”
Big manly hands rested on my shoulder – the other had his arms around my waist… Deep blue eyes the both of them – stubbly sexy faced bikers with plumes of concealed chest hair poking out of the top of their shirts where they’d unzipped their leathers… They were like one pervy biker beast – a two headed growly come-on machine full of arms and manly smells and furry fuckyness… (ahem… sorry – I was back there for a moment…”
“Okay…” I said, “But I want to take control – I want you to make love to me on your motorcycles – in the open air – whilst I eat a kebab…” I continued manfully.
Except I didn’t…
“Jelly Baby?” I offered meakly. The bikers looked at the packet of sweeties I had produced with an astonished resent for my poor Tom Baker impersonation. “I have to go – I have a train to – err – well – I don’t want to miss it… Lovely to meet you – give my love to your errr – bikes… Would loved to have… You know… But no time just now…”
...And with that I was gone in a flustered wave of sheer panic… My first encounter with growly bears a complete failure – let along my first experience of being invited for a threesome…
I’m just too cuddly – too naïve – too innocent dammit – still am… Okay – so that’s a lie – but I can sometimes slip back into old ways when I’m feeling uncomfortable…
Today I was feeling uncomfortable…
I’d agree to stand in for Redbeard on a Bear site he moderates on the Net…
“I won’t be long…” he assured me, “I just have to go and get my beard tinted silver… It only usually takes about 3 hours – but I like to get it done from time to time… You’ve surfed the web before surely – you know how these things work…”
“Surfed the – errr – yeah…” I wasn’t sure I’d ever surfed anything, “So I just have to err – well – babysit…”
“Moderate…”
“Like baby sitting…”
“Bear sitting…”
“No problem… On your way with you…”
I didn’t have the foggiest what I was meant to do… I hadn't even been able to master my brother's Nintendo - let alone the Internet... However, the furballs I was “moderating” were in the Bear room – so gingerly I made my way there – heart beating fast. Slowly – slowly I pushed open the door – stuck my head around and looked in…
The bears were all there sure enough – all chatting on the net…
It was almost exactly as bewildering I’d imagined…
The net was vast… Fine and glowy – spreading across the floor of the room and beyond… It didn’t look too strong – but the bears were big and they were picking their way around the room – treading quite fearlessly over the net. It obviously was very strong despite it’s apparent flimsiness…
There must have been a good 30 or 40 of them there at this point – new ones were entering the room from doors the other side and others were leaving… The whole place was just full of growly voices and most of them were talking cock.
Now I’m no prude – but some of it was bit much… It’s good to talk – we all know that – but me and my chums are generally a bit more giggly and yay about such matters – a bit teenage and swoony. This was a couple of levels up and involved foul oathing and layers of absolutely NO INNUENDO AT ALL… There was no “Would you like a pint – cos I’ll give you one – AND then I’ll buy you a pint…” No – none of that at all – it was just plain and honest “Screw me sideways on a Sunday afternoon without even buying me a nice bouquet of pies…”
Now really – is it strictly necessary to be SO unromantic about grrry purrry bear Sex – personally I think there’s always room for cuddles where these things are concerned… I was also becoming a tad concerned for one or two Cubs who were looking a bit bewildered by all the sweariness and perving…
“Play nicely now…” I called, “Could we perhaps tone down the language a notch or two…”
They didn’t – so when relating some of their conversations I may well do…
“To hell with you…” laughed one, “Come over here and let us ritually abuse you using only beeswax and a pair of beach sandals…”
“Come and pleasure me…” called another – yet using far fruitier terms than that.
I was a little cross by now – I hadn’t bargained for such gross cheekiness from the bears. Glancing down at my watch I realized it was already getting on and surely way passed time for everyone to be still up and so actively pursuing beariness.
“Listen fellas…” I tried, “It’s getting late… Ought we not all to be tucked up in bed – it’s after Ten Thirty you know…”
“Is there room for us all…”
“No…” I said, “…I’ll have none of that…”
“That’s a shame – cos we’d like to have some of you…”
I swear I blushed. I had expected to be told where to go – but alas I was now drawing attention to myself – and rather than be scorned upon I was suddenly surrounded by half a dozen Growlers who decided that I was ripe for furring.
“Hello…” said one, “You’re nice… Where’s Redbeard?”
“He’s having his beard all bossed and shined and silvered in time for Christmas…”
“Nice…”
“Jelly baby?”
“No thanks… But I wouldn't mind a quick...”
“Quick nap? Really - good..." I interuptted swiftly, feeling the panic mounting, "Errr – right… Well – I just have to – err – go pee… You bears have fun now…”
Before they had a chance to reply I was out of that room and back outside – peering through the glass and relieved nobody was following me…
I’d done it again – run away from a situation with growly bears…
I’d asked advice before coming out – just knowing I’d be confronted by something like this… As I sat and considered, their advice came back to me…
How DO YOU counter grrrry with purrrry? Do you grrrr back or just keep purrry and hope they see sense?
At the time I had turned to one of the Bear resource pages and sought advice from Papa Bear who had stated the following…
“A big heart is essential. Bears should be honest and open, distainful of hypocrisy and deceit. Loyal to his friends, and fierce to his enemies. Secure enough to laugh at himself. caring enough to cry for others.”
So a bear who openly refuses pie without saying, “No thanks fella…” is in many ways acting quite unbearingly. He may be being honest and open when he tells you to piss off – but he’s not being big hearted and kind… Infact Papa Bear goes on to say…
“Those with bulky and furry bodies, but who are shallow and mean inside are NOT BEARS. Those who are so insecure that they can only try and make themselves look good by trying to make others look bad are NOT BEARS. Those with small minds, hard hearts, and twisted souls are NOT BEARS…”
Growly Bears need to learn some manners – even if they are just playing… They can still be nice about it…
I remember discussing the matter with Womble Cub (now known as God Furring Bear since his conversion to Olympus Bearness)… Not all bears are nice, I posed... Some can be rough? How would a cuddly cub cope if he ever met a rough or mean old bear?
“One should refuse to play with them…” said Womble as he donned his religious robe – made only from the skins of bananas, dipped in tipex,” There are always nice bears and cubs to play with - if you look around there might be a nice bear who isn't at all growly so nobody has noticed him - but he might be nicest of all!”
These were wise words… However he did add…
“Cuddly cub might suddenly get all slutty and love being a baddy cub for a change...”
I had nodded at the time and wondered whether these were his words or whether the Great Bear Of Olympus would sanction such unruly behaviour.
Myself I have a simple rule – when it comes to getting down and dirty with a bear I think on…
“Would Paddington approve? Would he remove his duffle coat in such a situation?” (Unlike Pooh who I hear would exhibeartionist himself on a webcam for less 50p and a Cadbury’s Curly Wurly…)
Still – neither the Paddington nor the Olympus Bear method always work…
Britpop Cub had other thoughts…
“Music can calm the savage beast. Or at least a belly rub… Failing that, a swift kick to the genitals usually does the trick. Or rohypnol.”
Well he says what he thinks – you can’t fault him really, can you?
JT Cub had been more in favour of the avoid them school of thought…
“It’s tough, you know…” he admitted as he stared lovingly at a photo of his Beary other half, “It’s all a matter of love I’d say… Me being a rather old skool romantic, I've never looked for a 1 night stand etc. So, it's a matter of finding that right person who you want to spend the rest of your life with and not going to places where nasty bears might growl at you… Sometimes pies and cakes just aren’t good enough to satisfy them – it’s like using the wrong currency…”
Sweets and icecreams and cuddles will never work on them if what they really want is a good hard shafting with a 12 Inch black rubber dildo…
I can see what he means… It’s a fair point and – certainly - avoiding them seems a good idea, I’ll admit… But it’s hard to do that when you’re supposed to be moderating their naughtiness… Hard to avoid them when they’re there in front of you rabbitting on about Cottages and Glory Holes and the current exchange rate of Poppers to the US Dollar and scaring all the little Cubs.
I wasn’t really getting the hang of it all… I felt preachy – like the head of some Nanny State… But I HAD to do something or else all my fur would turn white with fright and drop out everywhere…
It was about an hour later that I had re-entered the room – carrying pots of tea and piles of cakes and pies. Busily I set myself up a little stall in the corner of the room. Brewing up the tea – I flicked on my record player and the soothing sound of Karen Carpenter filled the Bear room…
The smell of crumpet and steak and kidney pie and Richard Carpenter’s cloying harmonization caused a silence for a moment. A couple of the smaller Cubs came to help themselves to the food – and slowly I checked off their names… Tom, Luke, Justin T, Womble and Britpop Cubs and the lovely purry Mr Will Cub… There were others - but the really growly bears weren’t impressed and merely looked up – saw I wasn’t offering full on furry nakedness and quickly lost interest…
I’d expected this…
I had two items of loveliness that I knew would work…
Having recommended that the nice Cubs take their cakes and crisps into the overflow Bear room I changed the record and brought out a large pot of honey… I chose Kylie I think (topical as we’ll be talking more about her tomorrow and on Monday…) and it had the desired effect of getting the growly bears all sleepy and hypnotized… Which allowed me to begin coating the net with the honey…
…They never noticed…
They simply carried on – talking dirty to each other – bopping around a bit to the music and never realizing that their paws were getting glued to the Bear room floor…
First I turned the temperature right up…
Then I turned it right down…
The honey melted…
But very soon it set again.
“Shy…” Redbeard wasn’t quite sure what to say on his return upon finding me in a pool of icecream and cheesecake mix – playing party games with all the nice Cubs, “I asked you to moderate the bears – not massacre them…”
“They’re not massacred…” I objected, “They’re just caught there on the net – all stuck to the floor and unable to poke each other – too tired from trying to escape to talk dirty… It’s the only way to deal with growly bears – I see that now…
The only way to deal with bears who are immune to pies…”
“Please remind me not to ask you to help me again…”
“Your silver beard looks smashing, Red… Fancy a Cream Horn?”
“Okay…”
“And then afterwards you can have one of my cakes too…”
OH!!!! How we laughed… Double entendres ey – unlike growly bears I just couldn’t live without them…
TOMORROW WE PRESENT THE FIRST PART OF A TWO PART TOPIC ON KYLIE BEARS – FURRY FOLK WHO LIKE TO DANCE – AS WELL AS LOOKING AHEAD TO A WEEKEND OF CUBBYBEARNESS…
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
YESTERDAY ON BEARCUB - SHY WAS DELIVERED A DUD CUB - TODAY HE MUST SUCCEED OR GET HURT... ;-(
CAN TWINKS BE BEARS TOO???
PART TWO...
In which Shy faces facts - and has to make a decision...
With my head in my paws I said my farewell's and then hurried on from BP Cub's House - his final words to me echoing in my ears.... "He's as slim as a reed and as hairless as a seal, Shy..." my pal had indicated bluntly, "He's a Bear Hunter - that's his place and he should be proud of it... You've been sent a dud - just send him back..."
But it wasn't that simple... Dud bearcub or not I was insistant that I would make Tigger a trainee Bear if it killed me!
It probably would do at this rate...
When I arrived at Redbeard's flat he was busy painting his ceiling a curious shade of black - in readiness for a Glam Metal party he was throwing for Pyromaniac's the following evening... He was in a very philosophical mood...
"It's a curious one..." he admitted, "I mean - if we lose weight and shave off our beards and our body hair..." he cringed at the thought, "Do we suddenly become twinks? My other half didnt used to have a beard but was still an adorable furbucket-so does the beard make the bear?"
"I dunno..." I sighed, "I came to you so you could offer me some solutions - not pose more questions..."
"Ahhh...." nodded Redbeard, "But one question creates another... It can't really be helped... It's the whole issue of attitude - if your dud Cub wants or needs to be a bear he better get thinking he is one... There are plenty of ways of making him look more beardy and a little more bulky... Personally I don't agree with it - it just seems anyone who wants to be a bear can just say they are. It's rather an odd way to run a secret club!"
"I know..." I agreed, "But the point is Tigger has to pass this test - or the big bear's will beat me up..."
Redbeard looked a little pitying, "Honey bear - don't be such a wuss - stand up for yourself - if he's a dud - he's a dud... Top Bear's nephew or not... If any one dare's lay a paw on you I'll - well - I'll make sure an ambuslance gets to you really quick and I'll come visiting really quickly with nice chocolates and flowers - how's that?"
"Nice..." I thanked him, "Very kind of you..."
"Oh - well you know what it's like - some of us have been Bear's since we were at school... I've had a beard pretty much constantly from 18 onwards - long before I heard the word bear in its present context! Some of us just don't have a problem passing the test - but we can't help that any more than your dud can help being the way he is - it's just bad Bear genes - despite all the Bears in his family - he obviously took after the wrong side..."
I'd been hoping to speak to Jimmy Bear next - but he was busy taking on his own Cub and didn't have time to actually meet, "I've sent you an email..." he texted, "Don't worry about your Cub - he can't be half as bad as mine - mine thinks he's a Daddy Bear and keeps trying to... anyway... There's stains all over the flat and my Pussy is refusing to purr for me as a result..."
Poor Jimmy...
Sure enough though he had sent me a mail... It was moral boosting and jolly - but there weren't a lot of solutions being offered - he seemed to be a supporter of the whole "attitude" method of Bears being bears...
"Most bears are big, it's true..." he began, "...but being a bear is a state of mind as much as anything - not judging people by their appearance, enjoying the company of real men, being proud of their sexuality, liking and having body hair..." But even he wasn't quite sure of the classification rules, "I thought twinky bears were called otters? Or doesn't he even have the fur? I dunno, Shy... Do your best - who cares at the end of the day - if they're cute and I fancy them, nowt else matters. Let's not get bogged down in terminology. Live and let live. :)"
It was an easy thing to say when you weren't facing the pawwed fist of an angry Polar Bear... Jimmy seemed to be having the reverse problem to myself....
As it happened - on the way to my final port of call for the day I bumped into a bona fide cub, my good friend JT Cub - who was as yet not ready to train up to bear level. He actually knew Tigger and confirming my fears sniggered upon hearing who I had been sent to train up...
"Not Tigger! No! I can't believe he hasn't been down-graded... It's the family connection isn't it... Him being the Nephew of One of the Bear Elite... What a dreadful case of nepotism... And you get to feel the brunt of it all should things not go to plan... Dammit man - that's bad..." he was sympathetic, but I could see it still tickled him. "Tigger's not even really a Cub though is he - attitude or no attitude..."
TOO RIGHT!!! Damn the whole frame of mind thing... If he wasn't convinced that Tigger was a Cub - how was I ever going to convince the board that he was a Bear - and worthy of passing his graduation tests. Couldn't he somehow be classed as some new subsection? There had to be SOME solution!!!
"Uh... No..." came JT's reply, "The fact that he is 100% a Twink kinda cements it really I'd say... You're not going to be able to convince them..." What if he put on weight? JT Cub looked a little more hopeful, "Well - if they turn into gainers and put on a few pounds then sure, why not? Then it might be possible..."
Aha! So there was one bright light at the end of the tunnel! So Tigger would have to actually start eating properly... DID HE NOT KNOW THE RULES!!!
It was perhaps a mistake to contact my last adviser of the day. I popped around to chat with Womble Cub... Having been a Cub himself and having passed with flying colours (though he still hadn't changed his name due to having printed out too many calling cards using the Cub moniker...) I hadn't seen him for a few weeks though - and rather unfortunately he seemed to have gone through a bit of a conversion - a change of sorts - a bizarre born-again phase...
To my great surprise he handed me a new calling card - all silver and embossed - no more Womble Cub - he was now to be known as GOD FURRING BEAR...
Oh golly... I decided not to enquire - I had my own problems...
So what did he think about the whole Tigger situation?
My ex-Cubby friend had a few words of wisdom for me, "Beardom is decreed by the Great Bear of Olympus - it is not for us to judge..."
Tell that to Tigger's Uncle!!!
Gingerly, I explained the sort of barriers I was coming up against, "The Great Bear of Olympus would wish us to be all inclusive said the Bear formerly known as Womble Cub, "Fur is very important - except for when it's not... Most important is an insatiable craving for cuddles - liking cuddles *best of all* is top of the Great Bear's defining list..."
I nodded - bowed gratiously and then scarpered...
So there it was - I had my advice - now I just had to use some of it and make the whole mess work - to send Tigger off to the Cub/Bear conversion workshop with the groundwork already achieved! Despite being a twinky bear hunter there was an inner bearcub inside Tigger - one maybe only his Uncle could see... But all of a sudden - now my life depended on it - hey - now I could see it as well... I had faith in him to achieve - curious how your mind can be changed so quickly - but that was all that mattered!!!
Collecting together all the advice I had received - especially something that JT Cub had mentioned - I sat Tigger down...
"Tigger..." I said, "This Bear thing... It's ALL about attitude! You have existed as a Cub for years and now it's time for you to consider yourself a bear... You you may be baby faced and skinny and hairless - but you have a role to fulfil - for your family's sake... You're old enough to graduate - it's time to make the leap!"
"It will never work..."
"It will..." I assured him, "You have the whole rest of the week to prepare... You are going to bulk up for a start... You are going to eat pies continually for the next 72 hours - you are going to apply anti waxing cream to help encourage the growth of body hair and failing that - well - I'm working on it!!! WHATEVER HAPPENS I AM NOT GOING TO GET BASHED UP BY YOUR UNCLE, TIGGER!!! WE ARE GOING TO MAKE YOU A BEAR - WHETHER IT BE BY PIES OR BY DESPARATE MEASURES..."
Tigger nodded, "Okay then..." he agreed.
Three days later he passed into Beardom.
We did, however have to resort to desparate measures!!!!
"You did well..." admitted Redbeard who joined me at the club on the night of Tigger's graduation, "Considering how hopeless the little tyke is - in the circumstances you delivered a blinder... How on earth did you manage it? He's positively sprouted fur... I barely recognise him! What on earth did you do... What the hell was in those pies!!!"
We watched the ex-Cubs bouncing merrily around the dancefloor - Tigger was looking splendidly bulked up and fluffy...
"It wasn't so much the pies - infact they made him sick..." I whispered.
"SICK!!! WHAT SORT OF PIES?"
"Steak and Stilton pies - beef pies - chicken pies - fruit pies - fruit flans - he couldn't keep them down...
"How bloody unnatural?"
"He was too nervous... " I explained.
"What about the fur growing potion, that seems to have done the trick..."
"Alas no... Brought him out in a rash..."
"A nervous rash?"
"Something like that..."
"So how on earth did you manage to get him looking like that... All of the sudden he's a perfect Bear!"
"It's amazing what you can do with half a dozen pillows and Yeti suit stolen from the BBC costume department... That and some Superglue... Turned out a treat didn't it..."
"Not bad at all..." Red nodded, "Very Blue Peter..."
Thankfully nobody noticed and Tigger is now doing well high up somewhere in Bear High Cabinet (ie: The top cupboard where they keep all the Honey...) Thankfully I never got a bashing and everything is nice and safe again! YAY! Next year though, I think I'll be taking a break from mentoring trainee Bears... It's just too much damn hard work...
SO... CAN TWINKS BE BEARS TOO?
I think I've proved they can... When it matters... All you need is a Yeti Suit, Padding and A Tube of Superglue... Simple innit...
TOMORROW WE POSE A NEW THEME ON BEAR CUB: GROWLY BEARS - WHEN PIES WON'T WORK...
Tuesday, December 02, 2003
TODAY, EXCLUSIVELY, WE BRING YOU THE FIRST PART OF A TWO PART BEAR CUB INSTALLMENT...
THE FIRST PART IS POSTED BELOW - THE SECOND PART WILL BE POSTED TOMORROW...
CAN TWINKS BE BEARS TOO?
PART ONE
In which Shy gets a dud and the future looks bleak...
Hello all!
You will all have heard of Adopt-A-Bear Cub week! Right? And Bob-A-Job for furry adult folk? Well I'm not talking about either of those today - but quite another scheme entirely... Cub Transition Courses? Now that's the one... This is the project I find myself getting involved in every November, as regular as clockwork...
Don't look at me blankly... (sigh...)
Cub Transition Courses are where Cubs get to be sent off for training which should send them on the right path to furriness in the future. It's a chance for more experienced Bears to pass on the basics to all the younger guys - teach 'em a few you tricks... You know - Uses of Cub honey - fur grooming - Purr craft - how to woof effectively - when never to steal another Bear Cub's pies! All that sort of thing...
No? Has no-one told you about this? Am I the only bugger taking an interest? Fostering these links?
Get down to your local Bear bar and ask for details for goodness sakes!!!
I always enjoy lending a hand myself and giving back to the community... It's a very social thing... Infact my good pal Womble Cub and I met last time this scheme was running! He was a very furry little person and a quick learner - but not so with the fella I've ended up with this year! (I mean I have my very own Cub and all back in Scotland and he needs lots of texting which keeps me tired out a lot of the week.)
Well, anyway... This year they sent me a dud!
"He's a twink!!!" I exclaimed when he first arrived, still in his box. "He's not even a proper bear cub!"
"He is too!" replied the Beary postman crossly, "He's been a Cub ever since he was 21 ages back and now they want him to train up to Bear level! His name is Tigger..."
"BUT HE'S A TWINK!!!"
For those of you who don't know what that is - well - a twink is pretty much the reverse of what everyone would expect a bear to be... Skinny - smooth - and pretty much ungrowly... A twink... This he was - there was no doubt - even Tigger seemed to agree!!!
"I do love bears very much..." he began, "My ex was a Bear - but now he's been gender reassigned..." I nodded understandingly, "It's true..." he confided, "...that I have been a Cub for quite a while now but that's because I'm just a hopeless case... Oh I dunno - I just keep thinking that I'm a twink and despairing and stuff and my Uncle just keeps telling me I'm not one and that I'm a Cub and that pretty soon I am going to be a Bear!" The poor fellow made Jennifer Aniston look porky, "I'm just not Cub enough!!!" he kept sobbing pitifully on his first night over at my place, "I'm not up to the job - I am too thin - I'm not furry enough - it's just NEVER going to work!!"
So here was the question... Could I find an answer: COULD I WORK MAGIC - TURN A TWINK INTO A BEAR???
Even David Blaine and Paul Daniels had never tried such a daring stunt...
I had one week to make sure this wasn't the case... Alas, it seemed - Tigger just didn't want to be convinced! It wasn't that he didn't WANT to be trained - he just had no confidence of his sheer loveliness and potential bearality...
"It's not important!" I assured him, "Not all bears are furry - not all bears are big fat guys!!!"
I dug out a few quotes from FAQ Resources for Bears to try and classify what sort of criteria we were looking at here:
"The most common definition of a bear is a man who is hairy, has facial hair, and a cuddly body. However, the word Bear means many things to different people, even within the bear movement. Many men who do not have on or all of these characteristics define themselves as bears, making the term a very loose one. Suffice to say, bear is often defined as more of an attitude than anything else - a sense of comfort with our own masculinity and bodies that is not slavish to the vogues of male attractiveness that is so common in gay circles and the culture at large."
Hmm... Tigger was pretty slim and there wasn't a hair on him - but I was clinging to the hope that just maybe the whole "attitude" theory was some solid piece of evidence to cling onto. As long as Tigger thought he was a Bear - then he *was* one... Following that theory my budgie could be one if he put his mind to it and kept the correct ursine attitude...
Oh and there was another quote that backed this up too...
"If you believe you are a bear,you probably are one..."
Hmmm... I had a friend once who thought he was talented as a lion tickler... Unfortunately his faith in himself was tragically misplaced... Sometimes it's best NOT to think that you ARE something without getting a bit of evidence to back that up first... That said - I still clung to the "attitude" thing because it was the sort of thing I had been hoping to hear and it held some promise for the future of Tigger's training... If, as looked the case, I'd been sent a faulty Bear cub - one that didn't really fit to type - well, dammit I was going to make sure Tigger succeeded whether he liked it or not.
That said I was, of course, cursing the fact that anyone had decided Tigger even worthy to be a Cub...
The definition being:
Cubs - Younger, less dominant bears. They can be any body size & shape. They can be submissive or aggressive. The hairiness ranges from very little to an abundance. A person will label himself as a "cub", rather than a "bear", as he feels that "cub" fits him better. Attitude is even more noted in cubs, than bears.
Tigger fell well within the age range thing - but it was the whole wishy washy open-ended "attitude" rule that had lead to him arriving on my doorstep... He'd been kicked out of Cubs, now in his late 20s and straight into trainee Bear level without any thought as to whether he could ever be accommodated within such a group...
"There is more than one type of Bear..." I reminded myself - although I was confused myself about the subsections of it all! I tried to run through them in my mind from what I'd read previously...
Behrs - are bears with little (a mustache) or no facial hair, with varying amounts of body hair. It's not that a behr can't grow a beard, but for one reason or another, does not (most often due to his job).
Hmmm! Tig didn't have much beard growth - though I'd made sure he had disposed of his shaving set on his first day with me! Shaving off what little face fuzz he had would never encourage him into Beardom...
Otters - are bears who are thin or lightly muscled like a swimmer's build. Otters denotes slimness, though often they are hairier than the norm, even for bears.
Hmm - Tigger was certainly slim - but not at all furry...
Daddy Bears - are men, who tend to be dominant sexually or socially. Though they often wear leather, they are not neccessarily into S&M. They may or may not be bears.
Not Tigger at all! Although he DOES wear Leather shoes - and I have seen him in a rather fetching dog collar after I lent him an old one of mine for a vicar and Tarts party he went to this first week down here...
Chub - are men who are overweight - from slightly overweight to massively obese. They sometimes are bears, sometimes not.
Like my friend Chad's favourite type of man then... But then again - definitely not Tigger... :-(
Musclebears - are bears who are into bodybuilding, weightlifting, or powerlifting and their bodies show it.
No-no-no... Tigger had barely managed to carry a bag of shopping home from TESCO's - let alone carry something really heavy!!
PLEASE NOTE: Some categories cross over (a Daddy bear), some do not (you won't see a chubby otter). One of the great things about being a bear or cub is the almost endless varieties of men.
There was one last subsection that it looked like Tigger fell into - other than the waffley criteria for Cub:
Bear hunters - are men who like bears. It is used most often to describe non-hairy men who like bears, but all men who like bears or cubs fit into this category.
Hmm. Tigger liked certainly DID like bears... I shook my head - it wasn't the news I'd wanted to hear but, quite possibly I had to face the facts here... Tigger was was pretty much a Bear Hunter - there was very little doubt in my mind! But that wasn't the point of the exercise. Someone had sent Tigger to me in the hope that he would become a fully formed Bear by the end of things! I WASN'T admitting defeat - no way!!!
It was time to take emergency measures and visit some friends for advice...
I turned to Britpop Cub first... Which knowing his forthright views on certain subjects, may not have been the best first port of call... BP was one of those "Eternal" Cubs who had never done the whole Bear Transition Course... It's a moot point for some of them - but that's another story and one I have no time for here...
"Twinky furballs are just WRONG!!!!" he declared, "I mean - how much fur are we talking in Tigger's case?"
"Errr..." I was reluctant to reveal, "Sort of none at all..."
"Why would a twink ever want to think of themselves as a bears... Send him back, Shy... Can't he be happy with what he is?"
"He could... Maybe... But his Uncle wouldn't be... It's a family thing - they're grooming him for Bear stardom - but he lacks most of the basic qualities..."
"Everyone knows that most bears have a few extra pounds... How on earth did he get to this stage in the first place... I mean I'm the first to admit that you don't have to be big, hairy and bearded to be a bear - but you really ought to be at least one of the three... It's this whole Cub thing - it's so general - people are calling themselves cubs without hesitation and it's not as simple as that..."
Maybe we could get away with saying Tigger was just too bouncy - that he would just have to remain a Cub like BP... Somehow I didn't think the Bears Upstairs would allow it...
I was going to get beaten up by the Growly Bears... I just knew it...
TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW...
PLEASE NOTE: DUE TO THE UNEXPECTED LENGTH OF TODAY'S POST THE REST OF THIS WEEK'S POSTS ARE EFFECTED AS FOLLOWS...
WED: TWINKS PT2
THU: GROWLY BEARS
FRI: KYLIE BEARS PT1 / PRE-WEEKEND PLANS
MON: KYLIE BEARS PT2 / POST-WEEKEND PLANS
Monday, December 01, 2003
MONDAY MORNING BEARS N CUBS...
Morning people...
Here's hoping you all had a good weekend?
On saturday morning I travelled to glamourous Hillingdon to film a cameo in the rain for a friends film, before later catching up with Jimmy Bear and a couple of friendly Cubs at the Kings Arms in the afternoon. Later that day I was pleasantly surprised by a THIS IS YOUR LIFE party that Chad had arranged for me, belatedly for my 30th. He gathered together a number of friends in person and via video submissions and also treated us to a rather super Chinese meal. Sunday was busy - except for hearing some sad news from a Bear Keeper and chatting with the Scottish branch of Cubs N Bears.
As for what the other guys got up to I have only just learnt myself... Did they go to plan? Well...
Redbeard...
Was last seen scuba diving in a vat of pies with a lovely Swedish shepherd dressed as a pot of Whipped Cream - or something....
Britpop Cub...
Went to a rather wonderful new Indie club in his home town and danced like a crazy man and wooed many a furry man's heart.
Jimmy Bear...
His exploits after we parted company at the Kings Arms are known only to him and his boudoir - but I hear he met an American gentleman and that they had a VERY pleasant evening.
As you may recall, later this week we will be considering...
WEDNESDAY: WHAT TO DO WITH GROWLY BEARS WHO DON'T LIKE HUGGLES - WHEN EVEN PIES WON'T WORK!!!
THURSDAY: BEARCUBS WHO WANNA BE KYLIE...
But firstly, tomorrow we will be turning our eyes to the matter of twinks - and we review a tricky matter that came to a head during last month's Adopt-A-Bear-Cub week as we consider : CAN TWINKY FURBALLS BE BEARS TOO?
It's a tough question - but the boys are on hand with their opinions...
SEE YOU ALL TOMORROW...
